Helping Children
Cope with Euthanasia
Cope with Euthanasia
HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH A PET'S EUTHANASIA
Choosing to euthanize a cherished companion animal is difficult enough for adults who are faced
with such a horrible decision. What's even harder for many parents is finding a way to help their
children understand and accept the fact that the time has come to help the pet to die.
Trying to overprotect their children from grief, parents may make the mistake of overlooking,
minimizing or avoiding altogether the pain caused by the death of a family pet. Sadly, in so doing
they will have missed a valuable opportunity to teach their children a very powerful lesson in coping
with the painful reality of death.
The relationship between children and their pets is unique and irreplaceable. Pet loss can be very
traumatic to a child, depending on the important role the pet played in the child's life: companion,
friend, admirer, playmate, defender, love object, sibling, confidante. When that bond is broken, the
pain can be deep and enduring, and the trauma can result in feelings of insecurity, anxiety, anger,
guilt, helplessness, distrust and fear.
Yet it doesn't have to be that way. Children can be helped to cope effectively with this very difficult
life experience-provided that we consider what the pet means to the child, take into account the
child's developmental understanding of death, and carefully plan how the pet's euthanasia is
presented and conducted.
Here are some suggestions for helping children cope with the euthanasia of a pet:
Be open and honest. If the pet is terminally ill, death is pending and euthanasia is necessary, tell
your children as soon as possible so they will hear it first from you and not from someone else. If
they ever discover that you distorted the truth or lied to them, they'll have a great deal of trouble
trusting you again. Offer basic, age-appropriate explanations, and be available for questions.
Children need to know:
That grief is normal and necessary, and it's all right to feel sad : "This is how we feel when someone
we love dies."
That it is the pet's death (not something your children did or failed to do) that makes you sad.
What "dead" means: "The animal's body stops working and won't work anymore."
That death is not the same as sleeping: "When we sleep our body is still working, just resting." Avoid
the common phrase for euthanasia, "put to sleep" as it can trigger sleep problems or intense anxiety
over surgery and anesthesia. Better to say the pet will be helped to die peacefully and without pain.
That the pet has not "passed away", "left us" or "gone on". Such phrases imply the pet is on a trip
and will return, leave children feeling rejected or abandoned, or encourage them to go searching for
the lost pet or hold out hope for its return.
Help young children understand why euthanasia is necessary: Explain that their pet may
be suffering from:
Old age: "When an animal gets very, very, very old, his body wears out and stops working."
Terminal illness: "Because the disease couldn't be stopped, our pet is very, very sick; his body has
worn out and has stopped working."
An accident: "A terrible thing happened (hit by a car, etc.); our pet's body was badly hurt and
couldn't be fixed. It stopped working."
Avoid telling children that their pet was so good or so special that God wants it to be with Him in
heaven. Children may become angry with God or fear that they (or you) will be chosen next.
Don't blame the veterinarian. As a result your children may develop fear of veterinarians and other
health care givers.
Include children in the euthanasia decision. Never euthanize a family pet without telling your children
first, even if they're away from home. Children need help in understanding why the decision has to
be made and a feeling that they've participated in making it. They also need an opportunity to say
good-bye and make the most of whatever time they may have left with the pet.
Prepare children ahead of time as to what to expect. Hold a family meeting and discuss the
veterinarian's diagnosis, the pet's prognosis and the cost of treatments and care, including side
effects and the pet's quality of life. Schedule a visit to the veterinarian's office to learn about the
euthanasia procedure itself and answer any questions you or your children may have. (Find out in
advance how it will be done and where; how long it takes; if the pet will feel any pain; whether the
family can be present; what will be done with the pet's remains afterward.)
Encourage children's involvement in the pet's euthanasia. Let them be present during the procedure
if they so choose. The reality of a peaceful death is far less traumatic to children than their terrible
fantasy of it. Encourage children to see their pet after death, which reinforces the reality and
removes the mystery and fear of death.
Explain what will happen to the pet's remains If you plan to have your pet cremated, explain that your
pet will be taken to a pet crematory, a place where the pet's body will be turned into ashes. Then
your family will take those ashes and (scatter them; bury them in the backyard; keep them in an urn;
etc.).
Plan a memorial ritual. Decide in advance what you will do with your pet's remains, how you'll honor
your pet's life and keep its memory alive. Encourage activities to help your children experience and
express their love and grief (drawing or painting pictures; compiling an album, scrapbook or memory
box; viewing videos or home movies; writing or sharing memories; planting a shrub or tree; reading
books on pet loss).
Respect and encourage your children's needs to express and share feelings of sadness. When you
bring up the subject, you're showing your own willingness to talk about it. When in doubt about your
children's thoughts and feelings, ask. Don't feel as if you must have all the answers; sometimes just
listening is enough. Expect that young children will ask and need answers to the same questions
over and over again. Don't cut off their feelings by noting how well your children are handling their
grief or how brave or strong they are. Let them see you upset and crying, which implies that it's all
right to cry for those we love and lose.
Respect the feelings of other family members. Recognize that not everyone in the family is equally
attached to the pet and that not everyone shows their feelings or grieves in the same way.
Don't get a new pet in an effort to replace this one. Getting a new pet too soon may imply to children
that their grief is unimportant and unnecessary since everything is replaceable anyway (including the
children themselves). They also may react with anger and guilt, rejecting the new pet and feeling
disloyal to the one who died.
Inform others of what's going on in your children's life. Ask neighbors, teachers, relatives and friends
for extra support and understanding of your children right now, and for help in keeping a watchful
eye on them at this sad and difficult time.
Choosing to euthanize a cherished companion animal is difficult enough for adults who are faced
with such a horrible decision. What's even harder for many parents is finding a way to help their
children understand and accept the fact that the time has come to help the pet to die.
Trying to overprotect their children from grief, parents may make the mistake of overlooking,
minimizing or avoiding altogether the pain caused by the death of a family pet. Sadly, in so doing
they will have missed a valuable opportunity to teach their children a very powerful lesson in coping
with the painful reality of death.
The relationship between children and their pets is unique and irreplaceable. Pet loss can be very
traumatic to a child, depending on the important role the pet played in the child's life: companion,
friend, admirer, playmate, defender, love object, sibling, confidante. When that bond is broken, the
pain can be deep and enduring, and the trauma can result in feelings of insecurity, anxiety, anger,
guilt, helplessness, distrust and fear.
Yet it doesn't have to be that way. Children can be helped to cope effectively with this very difficult
life experience-provided that we consider what the pet means to the child, take into account the
child's developmental understanding of death, and carefully plan how the pet's euthanasia is
presented and conducted.
Here are some suggestions for helping children cope with the euthanasia of a pet:
Be open and honest. If the pet is terminally ill, death is pending and euthanasia is necessary, tell
your children as soon as possible so they will hear it first from you and not from someone else. If
they ever discover that you distorted the truth or lied to them, they'll have a great deal of trouble
trusting you again. Offer basic, age-appropriate explanations, and be available for questions.
Children need to know:
That grief is normal and necessary, and it's all right to feel sad : "This is how we feel when someone
we love dies."
That it is the pet's death (not something your children did or failed to do) that makes you sad.
What "dead" means: "The animal's body stops working and won't work anymore."
That death is not the same as sleeping: "When we sleep our body is still working, just resting." Avoid
the common phrase for euthanasia, "put to sleep" as it can trigger sleep problems or intense anxiety
over surgery and anesthesia. Better to say the pet will be helped to die peacefully and without pain.
That the pet has not "passed away", "left us" or "gone on". Such phrases imply the pet is on a trip
and will return, leave children feeling rejected or abandoned, or encourage them to go searching for
the lost pet or hold out hope for its return.
Help young children understand why euthanasia is necessary: Explain that their pet may
be suffering from:
Old age: "When an animal gets very, very, very old, his body wears out and stops working."
Terminal illness: "Because the disease couldn't be stopped, our pet is very, very sick; his body has
worn out and has stopped working."
An accident: "A terrible thing happened (hit by a car, etc.); our pet's body was badly hurt and
couldn't be fixed. It stopped working."
Avoid telling children that their pet was so good or so special that God wants it to be with Him in
heaven. Children may become angry with God or fear that they (or you) will be chosen next.
Don't blame the veterinarian. As a result your children may develop fear of veterinarians and other
health care givers.
Include children in the euthanasia decision. Never euthanize a family pet without telling your children
first, even if they're away from home. Children need help in understanding why the decision has to
be made and a feeling that they've participated in making it. They also need an opportunity to say
good-bye and make the most of whatever time they may have left with the pet.
Prepare children ahead of time as to what to expect. Hold a family meeting and discuss the
veterinarian's diagnosis, the pet's prognosis and the cost of treatments and care, including side
effects and the pet's quality of life. Schedule a visit to the veterinarian's office to learn about the
euthanasia procedure itself and answer any questions you or your children may have. (Find out in
advance how it will be done and where; how long it takes; if the pet will feel any pain; whether the
family can be present; what will be done with the pet's remains afterward.)
Encourage children's involvement in the pet's euthanasia. Let them be present during the procedure
if they so choose. The reality of a peaceful death is far less traumatic to children than their terrible
fantasy of it. Encourage children to see their pet after death, which reinforces the reality and
removes the mystery and fear of death.
Explain what will happen to the pet's remains If you plan to have your pet cremated, explain that your
pet will be taken to a pet crematory, a place where the pet's body will be turned into ashes. Then
your family will take those ashes and (scatter them; bury them in the backyard; keep them in an urn;
etc.).
Plan a memorial ritual. Decide in advance what you will do with your pet's remains, how you'll honor
your pet's life and keep its memory alive. Encourage activities to help your children experience and
express their love and grief (drawing or painting pictures; compiling an album, scrapbook or memory
box; viewing videos or home movies; writing or sharing memories; planting a shrub or tree; reading
books on pet loss).
Respect and encourage your children's needs to express and share feelings of sadness. When you
bring up the subject, you're showing your own willingness to talk about it. When in doubt about your
children's thoughts and feelings, ask. Don't feel as if you must have all the answers; sometimes just
listening is enough. Expect that young children will ask and need answers to the same questions
over and over again. Don't cut off their feelings by noting how well your children are handling their
grief or how brave or strong they are. Let them see you upset and crying, which implies that it's all
right to cry for those we love and lose.
Respect the feelings of other family members. Recognize that not everyone in the family is equally
attached to the pet and that not everyone shows their feelings or grieves in the same way.
Don't get a new pet in an effort to replace this one. Getting a new pet too soon may imply to children
that their grief is unimportant and unnecessary since everything is replaceable anyway (including the
children themselves). They also may react with anger and guilt, rejecting the new pet and feeling
disloyal to the one who died.
Inform others of what's going on in your children's life. Ask neighbors, teachers, relatives and friends
for extra support and understanding of your children right now, and for help in keeping a watchful
eye on them at this sad and difficult time.